Alexithymia in Relationships- Signs, Effects, and How to Manage

“Sometimes the words we cannot find are the ones that hurt the most.”

Emotions are the glue of intimate relationships. They allow us to connect, understand, and respond to our partners in meaningful ways. But what happens when someone struggles to identify or express their emotions? This is the reality of alexithymia, a condition that can quietly but profoundly affect relationships.

Alexithymia is not just about being shy or reserved. It is a difficulty in identifying, understanding, and expressing emotions. While it may not be widely discussed, research suggests that about 10 percent of the population experiences alexithymia to some degree. In relationships, it can create misunderstandings, frustration, and emotional distance, even when love and commitment are present.

Understanding alexithymia, recognizing its signs, and learning practical strategies to manage it can help couples build deeper emotional intimacy and healthier communication.

What Is Alexithymia and How Does It Manifest in Relationships

Alexithymia is derived from Greek words meaning “no words for emotions.” People with alexithymia often struggle to:

• Identify what they are feeling
• Describe their emotions in words
• Distinguish between emotions and bodily sensations

In relationships, this can show up in several ways

• Difficulty expressing love or affection
• Appearing distant, withdrawn, or emotionally flat
• Avoiding conversations about feelings
• Struggling to understand a partner’s emotional needs

For example, imagine a partner who seems “cold” after a disagreement. They may not be angry or uncaring, they may simply have trouble identifying and expressing what they feel. This can leave the other partner feeling rejected or misunderstood, even when there is no lack of care.

 

Signs of Alexithymia in Your Relationship

Recognizing alexithymia is the first step in managing its impact. Some common signs include:

1. Limited Emotional Vocabulary

A person with alexithymia may describe feelings in vague or physical terms, such as “I feel weird” or “I have a headache,” rather than “I feel anxious” or “I am sad.”

2. Difficulty Recognizing Emotions in Others

Alexithymia can make it challenging to pick up on subtle emotional cues, facial expressions, or tone of voice. A partner may misinterpret emotional needs or feel constantly misunderstood.

3. Avoidance of Emotional Conversations

Discussions about feelings, needs, or relationship dynamics may trigger discomfort, leading the person to withdraw or change the subject.

4. Low Emotional Responsiveness

Even in positive situations, such as celebrating achievements or expressing love, someone with alexithymia may appear detached or unreactive. This does not mean they do not care; it reflects difficulty processing emotions internally.

5. Physical Symptoms Masking Emotional Distress

Stress, anxiety, or sadness may manifest as headaches, stomachaches, or fatigue rather than verbal expression of emotions.
Per

 

Aspect	Signs in Relationships	Effects on Relationship	Management Strategies
Emotional Awareness	Difficulty naming or identifying emotions	Misunderstandings, emotional distance	Journaling, mindfulness, emotion labeling exercises
Expression	Struggles to express feelings verbally	Partner feels disconnected or rejected	Use clear, concrete communication; start with simple words
Empathy	Difficulty recognizing partner’s emotions	Feeling unheard or invalidated	Patience, active listening, validate attempts at emotional expression
Communication	Avoids emotional conversations	Arguments escalate, unresolved conflicts	Safe emotional spaces, regular check-ins, structured conversations
Emotional Responsiveness	Low reactivity to positive or negative emotions	Reduced intimacy and support	Show care through actions, gestures, and shared activities
Physical Symptoms	Stress shows as headaches, fatigue, or tension	Misinterpretation of emotional states	Recognize bodily signs, associate them with emotions
Professional Support	Limited progress alone	Persistent frustration, relational strain	Couples therapy, guided exercises, skill-building sessions

How Alexithymia Affects Relationships

Alexithymia can create a ripple effect on intimacy, communication, and emotional satisfaction.

1. Emotional Disconnect

Partners may feel emotionally distant, leading to misunderstandings and resentment. Over time, the emotional gap can make the relationship feel less fulfilling.

2. Communication Breakdowns

Difficulty expressing and interpreting emotions can result in repeated arguments or frustration. Misunderstandings often arise from interpreting detachment as disinterest or criticism.

3. Reduced Intimacy

Emotional closeness is a foundation for physical intimacy. When feelings cannot be shared or understood, intimacy may feel strained or limited.

4. Increased Conflict

Small disagreements can escalate when partners cannot express their needs or empathize with each other effectively. Miscommunication often reinforces patterns of avoidance or withdrawal.

5. Stress and Frustration

Partners without alexithymia may experience emotional exhaustion, feeling they are carrying the burden of the relationship alone or constantly trying to “decode” feelings.

 

Real-Life Example

Consider Maya and Liam, a couple in a long-term relationship. Maya often felt frustrated because Liam seemed unresponsive when she shared her worries. He rarely said “I love you” or expressed how he felt during conflicts. Over time, Maya began to doubt his affection, thinking he was emotionally unavailable

.The truth was that Liam had alexithymia. He cared deeply but struggled to identify and express his emotions. With awareness, therapy, and practical strategies, they learned to communicate differently, reducing frustration and deepening their connection.

 

Practical Strategies to Manage Alexithymia in Relationships

While alexithymia presents challenges, there are effective ways to navigate it, strengthen bonds, and foster emotional intimacy.

1. Increase Emotional Awareness

Encourage self-reflection and mindfulness. Simple practices like journaling feelings, naming emotions, or using emotion cards can help partners identify and articulate what they feel.

• Write down what you felt during the day
• Rate intensity of emotions on a scale of 1 to 10
• Use prompts such as “Right now, I feel…” to build vocabulary

2. Use Clear and Concrete Communication

Avoid vague statements like “I feel bad.” Instead, be specific about emotions and experiences. Partners with alexithymia respond better to concrete examples:

• “I felt sad when you didn’t call before going out”
• “I felt anxious when the plans changed unexpectedly”

3. Practice Patience and Empathy

Understand that emotional processing may take longer. Patience, active listening, and gentle encouragement help prevent frustration and build trust.

• Give space for reflection before expecting responses
• Validate attempts at emotional expression, even if incomplete

4. Create Safe Emotional Spaces

Schedule time for conversations about feelings in a calm, neutral environment. Avoid criticism or pressure.

• Regularly set aside “check-in” times
• Start with neutral topics and gradually move to emotions
• Use shared activities like walks or quiet evenings to facilitate dialogue

5. Seek Professional Guidance

Therapy can provide structure and tools for navigating alexithymia in relationships. Couples counseling helps partners:

• Identify emotional patterns and triggers
• Practice expression and understanding of feelings
• Develop healthier communication habits

Dr. Harel Papikian, a licensed clinical psychologist with 16 years of experience in Los Angeles, has worked extensively with couples navigating alexithymia and related communication challenges. Through virtual sessions, he guides partners to increase awareness, release emotional barriers, and master skills for meaningful connection.

6. Focus on Actions, Not Just Words

When verbal expression is difficult, actions can convey emotion. Acts of kindness, physical touch, and supportive gestures can maintain emotional bonds.

• Small gestures like making coffee, leaving notes, or checking in demonstrate care
• Recognize and appreciate these actions as valid expressions of emotion

7. Build Emotional Vocabulary Gradually

Start with simple words and expand over time. Use tools like emotion charts or apps to identify feelings and discuss them together.

• Begin with basic emotions: happy, sad, angry, anxious
• Expand to nuanced emotions: frustrated, lonely, overwhelmed, hopeful
• Discuss scenarios and associate emotions with experiences

Moving Forward with Alexithymia in Relationships

Managing alexithymia is not about “fixing” a partner, but learning to navigate emotional challenges together. Successful relationships involve:

• Awareness and understanding
• Clear, consistent communication
• Patience and validation
• Professional support when needed

With effort and support, couples can bridge emotional gaps, reduce misunderstandings, and create fulfilling, connected partnerships.

Bringing It All Together

Alexithymia in relationships can feel challenging, but it is not an insurmountable barrier. Recognizing signs, understanding its effects, and adopting practical strategies helps partners strengthen their connection.

Communication may require more effort and creativity, but patience, empathy, and professional guidance can turn challenges into opportunities for growth. Relationships with alexithymia can flourish when both partners commit to awareness, understanding, and mutual support.

For couples facing emotional disconnect, therapy can provide a roadmap to better connection. Dr. Harel Papikian’s virtual sessions in Los Angeles focus on increasing awareness, mastering communication skills, and releasing emotional barriers to build strong, resilient relationships.

Contact Dr. Harel Papikian

Phone: (310) 713-6093
Email: Dr.Harel@westhollywoodcouples.com
Address: 822 S Robertson Blvd #303, Los Angeles, CA 90035

With the right approach and support, couples can navigate alexithymia, deepen trust, and create emotionally satisfying relationships.