Bisexual Erasure in Relationships: How It Shows Up and How Couples Therapy Helps

Bisexual erasure can happen quietly inside a relationship. A bisexual person may be in a relationship with someone of a different gender and hear that they are “basically straight.” They may be in a same-gender relationship and hear that they are “basically gay.” Comments like these can make a person’s bisexual identity feel invisible, even when their partner does not intend to cause harm.

Within a relationship, bisexual erasure can also appear through assumptions about attraction, fidelity, commitment, or sexual preferences. Sometimes it comes from a partner. Sometimes it comes from family members, friends, or social expectations surrounding the couple.

These experiences can become relationship issues when one partner feels that an important part of their identity is being dismissed and the other does not understand why it matters. Couples therapy can provide a space to explore these experiences without treating bisexuality itself as the problem.

What Is Bisexual Erasure?

Bisexual erasure refers to the dismissal, denial, minimization, or invisibility of bisexual identities and experiences.

It can take many forms. Someone may assume that a bisexual person is heterosexual because they are dating a different-gender partner. Someone in a same-gender relationship may assume their partner’s bisexuality is simply a stage before identifying as gay or lesbian.

Other examples can be more subtle:

• “If you’re with me, why does your bisexuality matter?”
• “You don’t seem bisexual.”
• “You’re in a straight relationship now.”
• “You must eventually choose a side.”
• Assuming a bisexual partner is attracted equally to everyone
• Treating bisexuality as evidence of being more likely to cheat
• Assuming that a bisexual person has not “figured out” their sexuality
• Ignoring a partner’s bisexual identity when discussing their relationship or future

Not every misunderstanding constitutes intentional erasure. People can have limited knowledge about bisexuality without deliberately trying to invalidate someone. What matters in a relationship is whether the concern can be discussed and whether the partner is willing to understand and respect the person’s identity.

How Bisexual Erasure Can Show Up Between Partners

Assuming the relationship determines sexual orientation

One of the most common forms of erasure is treating someone’s current partner as proof of their sexual orientation.

A bisexual woman dating a man may be perceived as straight. If she later dates a woman, others may assume that she has “become” a lesbian.

The relationship itself has not changed the person’s bisexuality. Their partner’s gender does not determine the full range of their sexual orientation.

When a partner adopts this assumption, the bisexual person may feel that they have to repeatedly explain something they expected their partner to understand.

Questioning whether bisexuality is “real”

A partner may question bisexuality because they do not understand how someone can experience attraction to more than one gender.

This can lead to comments suggesting that bisexuality is confusion, indecision, experimentation, or a temporary stage.

Even when said during an argument, such comments can be deeply personal. They can communicate that one partner’s understanding of themselves is not being taken seriously.

Treating bisexuality as a relationship threat

Some partners associate bisexuality with having more potential partners or being less capable of monogamy.

This is an important distinction: sexual orientation and relationship agreements are not the same thing.

A bisexual person can choose monogamy, just as people of other sexual orientations can. Whether someone is trustworthy depends on how they approach their relationship agreements and behaviour, not simply on their sexual orientation.

If a partner repeatedly treats bisexuality itself as evidence of potential infidelity, the couple may need to address the fear underneath that assumption.

Expecting bisexual partners to prove their identity

A bisexual person should not have to provide a dating history as evidence of their sexuality.

For example, someone may have had mostly different-gender relationships and still identify as bisexual. Another person may have had mostly same-gender relationships. Neither dating history automatically determines their identity.

A partner’s questions may come from genuine curiosity, but repeated demands for proof can become exhausting and invalidating.

When Bisexual Erasure Comes From Outside the Relationship

Sometimes both partners recognize the bisexual person’s identity, but other people repeatedly invalidate it.

Family members may refer to the relationship as heterosexual or homosexual depending on the gender of the current partner. Friends may make assumptions about what the relationship means for the bisexual person’s identity.

This can create a difficult position for the couple.

One partner may want to correct every inaccurate comment. The other may prefer not to explain their sexuality every time it comes up. They may disagree about whether to confront relatives, how much to disclose, or when to set boundaries.

The resulting conflict may appear to be about family gatherings or social situations, but underneath it may involve recognition, loyalty, privacy, and emotional safety. This dynamic closely resembles the one explored in how couples therapy helps lesbian couples navigate family rejection differently.

How Bisexual Erasure Can Affect a Relationship

The impact is not identical for every bisexual person. However, Repeated invalidation connects to the broader pressures covered in why LGBTQ+ individuals experience higher rates of depression and anxiety.

Feeling unseen

When a partner repeatedly minimizes bisexuality, the person may begin to feel that an important part of their experience is not welcome in the relationship.

They may stop talking about attraction, past experiences, or identity because they anticipate being questioned or dismissed.

Increased insecurity

If bisexuality is repeatedly connected with assumptions about infidelity, a partner may become increasingly anxious about attractions outside the relationship.

The bisexual partner may then feel pressured to reassure them or demonstrate commitment in ways that other couples might not experience.

This can create a cycle in which one partner seeks reassurance while the other feels increasingly scrutinized. This is a version of the pursuer-distancer cycle.

Resentment and emotional distance

A person who repeatedly feels misunderstood may eventually stop trying to explain themselves.

Instead of discussing the issue, they may withdraw. Their partner may interpret that withdrawal as anger, secrecy, or lack of interest, creating another layer of conflict.

Conflict about boundaries

If family or friends refuse to acknowledge a bisexual person’s identity, partners may disagree about how to respond.

One may want stronger boundaries, while the other may prioritize maintaining family relationships. Neither response should automatically be treated as the correct one. The couple needs to understand what each choice means and what each partner needs.

Bisexual Erasure Is Not the Same as Every Relationship Disagreement

It is important not to label every misunderstanding as bisexual erasure.

Partners can have genuine questions about identity, attraction, boundaries, or relationship agreements. They may also have different beliefs or levels of knowledge.

The key issue is what happens when the concern is raised.

Can the couple discuss it? Is the bisexual partner’s identity taken seriously? Can the other partner express their fears without turning bisexuality into evidence of untrustworthiness? Can both people make room for each other’s experiences?

These questions help separate a misunderstanding that can be worked through from a repeated pattern of invalidation.

How Couples Therapy Can Help

Couples therapy can give partners a structured environment to examine how bisexuality is understood within the relationship.

Creating space for the bisexual partner’s experience

A therapist can help the bisexual partner explain what particular comments or assumptions mean to them without having to turn the conversation into a debate about whether bisexuality exists.

At the same time, the other partner can discuss their own fears, questions, or misunderstandings.

The goal is not to determine who is “right.” It is to understand what is happening between the partners and how they can communicate differently.

Challenging assumptions about attraction and commitment

Therapy can help couples separate sexual orientation from assumptions about behaviour.

Being bisexual does not determine whether someone will be monogamous, faithful, committed, or satisfied in a relationship.

Partners can instead discuss their actual relationship agreements.

• What does commitment mean to each person?

• What boundaries have they established?

• What behaviours would violate those agreements?

These conversations are more productive than treating bisexuality itself as the source of relationship insecurity.

Working through jealousy without invalidating identity

Jealousy may arise when a partner knows that the bisexual person can experience attraction to people of more than one gender.

Therapy can help identify what the jealousy actually represents.

Is the partner afraid of being left? Do they compare themselves with previous partners? Do they believe they cannot satisfy their partner because of the possibility of attraction to another gender?

The therapist can help the couple examine these concerns without requiring the bisexual partner to deny or minimize their identity.

Addressing family and social pressure

Couples may need to decide together how much information to share with relatives, whether to correct assumptions, and what boundaries are appropriate.

Therapy can help partners distinguish between supporting each other and making decisions for each other.

For example, one partner may want to confront a family member who repeatedly describes the bisexual partner as straight. The other may not want that confrontation. The couple can explore what each person needs and how they can support one another without taking control of the decision.

Strengthening communication

When identity-related disagreements become repetitive, couples can develop predictable communication patterns.

One partner raises the issue. The other becomes defensive. The first partner feels dismissed and becomes more forceful. The second withdraws. Eventually, both feel misunderstood.

Therapy can help slow down this cycle so that partners can discuss the underlying emotions rather than repeating the same argument.

Finding an LGBTQ+ Affirming Couples Therapist

The therapist’s approach matters.

An LGBTQ+ affirming couples therapist should understand that bisexuality is a valid sexual orientation and avoid treating it as confusion, indecision, or a problem requiring resolution.

At the same time, the therapist should not assume that every relationship difficulty experienced by a bisexual person is caused by discrimination or identity-related stress.

A useful consultation question is:

“What experience do you have working with bisexual individuals or couples where one partner is bisexual?”

This kind of question is part of what’s covered in LGBTQIA+ affirming therapy in West Hollywood.

You can also ask how the therapist approaches jealousy, coming out, family rejection, disclosure, monogamy, and differences in how partners understand sexual orientation.

The goal is to find someone who can address both the identity-related context and the ordinary relationship dynamics that bring couples into therapy.

When Should a Couple Consider Therapy?

You do not need to wait until bisexuality has become a major source of conflict.

Therapy may be worth considering when:

• One partner repeatedly feels that their bisexuality is being dismissed.
• Jealousy is consistently connected to a partner’s bisexuality.
• Conversations about sexual orientation turn into arguments.
• Family members’ assumptions are creating tension between partners.
• One partner feels pressured to prove their commitment or attraction.
• Partners disagree about disclosure or boundaries.
• One or both partners have stopped talking openly about identity.
• The same conflict keeps returning without resolution.

Couples therapy can be particularly useful when the couple recognizes that the disagreement is no longer only about one comment or incident. It has become part of a larger pattern involving trust, communication, and emotional connection.

How Dr. Harel Approaches Couples Therapy for Bisexual Couples

Dr. Harel’s couples work focuses on understanding the patterns that develop between partners, including how assumptions, misunderstandings, and unresolved emotions can affect communication and intimacy.

For bisexual couples, this can include exploring how each partner understands bisexuality and whether external experiences, such as family expectations or social assumptions, are affecting the relationship.

The work does not require a bisexual partner to prove or defend their identity. Instead, therapy can create space for both partners to talk about what bisexuality means within their relationship, including questions around trust, attraction, boundaries, commitment, and disclosure.

The focus remains on the couple’s actual concerns and the interaction patterns that may be keeping them stuck. The focus, often guided by his ARM Method, remains on the couple’s actual concerns and interaction patterns.

Final Thought

Bisexual erasure can affect a relationship when one partner feels that an important part of their identity is being dismissed, questioned, or misunderstood. Creating space for both partners to talk openly about identity, trust, boundaries, and expectations can help prevent these concerns from becoming ongoing sources of conflict.

Dr. Harel Papikian works with couples to understand the patterns that may be keeping them stuck while creating space for each partner’s perspective. If bisexuality, jealousy, family expectations, or communication difficulties are creating tension in your relationship, you can book a free phone consultation with Dr. Harel to discuss your concerns and explore whether couples therapy may be right for you.

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